something about sensitive men

last night an almost 40 year-old man recalled to me every single time hagrid cried throughout the harry potter series, and honestly, it made me want to have sex with him.

tying the knot

i went to the bar and met a guy who was very drunk. i said to him why don't i walk you home and you can go to bed. i will even tuck you in! and so we walked to his apartment and i thought if he starts making out with me i will go with it. so he did and we went to his room and had sex. then i remembered i had not closed my tab, and he said let's get more beers. we spent about 40 minutes in his living room lifting weights. then we walked back to the bar. 

as we were crossing the street a man asked for a cigarette and the man i had just met said no, and the man got really mad and threw off his coat and threw his soda on the ground and rolled up his sleeves. and i was like what the fuck is going on. they started to yell at each other, and then another man came out of the bar to try and break it up but he was too drunk. everyone was belligerent so i pulled out my taser and was like 'this ends now' and it ended, but the man who wanted the cigarette started yelling at me that i had a shitty husband and i yelled back 'i am bound by no man' and we went into the bar and drank more.

then a man i had sex with a bunch a year ago was there. we recently rekindled our friendship in bed. i think i said to him 'you can couchsurf in my bed if you want' and he came over. anyway. they were both sitting next to me and touching me and then i left the bar again with the man and we slept and had sex and did you know you can get the hiccups in your sleep?

in the morning i had to tell him about leaving and returning to the bar and the fight with the homeless man. 

they should make a woman about me called yes woman

1. i was at the bar with my coworker. then she left. i was sitting next to a girl who kind of looked like chloe sevigny. two men were sitting near us and one said, "hey would you ladies like to go to this speakeasy with us." and i looked at chloe and i said, "i'm down if you're down." then we got in the one man's audi and drove downtown and went to this fancy bar where i drank a drink with absinthe and then some kind of punch i don't remember. then we went to another bar and drank spicy margaritas. the entire night i felt like chole and the man with the audi liked each other and were kind of making fun of me? but i didn't really care. and then the other guy, who i am sure you've forgotten about by now, looked like a sort of hipster george clooney but lankier. salt and pepper hair/beard/whatever. anyway he was kinder and more quiet. when we were done drinking at the bars, the girl left to meet up with her friends, and the man in the audi drove and and george back to the original bar. then he drove me to the bus stop.

then we made out. for like an hour. and there was choking and spanking and general nasty shit going down. it was great. then he wouldn't come back to my place/take me to his place cause he had to meet the audi man. so he took down my phone number and said we were gonna get dirty at lunch the next day. except when lunch the next day rolled around he texted me "i feel pretty guilty about last night. i have a wife and kids. we shouldn't do that again."

2. i was at the bar with my coworker. we met this man who was in town for a conference. he told us he also had volunteers like us at his work and knew how little we got paid, so he was going to take us out to dinner. we chose a modest indian place nearby but he said something really fancy and special that we normally wouldn't ever go to. so we decide on a place. he takes us to a rental car and it's a mustang convertible. we ride to the restaurant, drink wine, eat a ton of delectable food. good times were had by all. as we leave the restaurant i ask if i can drive the mustang. he says yes. i get in the front seat and reveal i don't have a license. he still lets me drive it. i put the top down. it ruled.

when opportunity knocks.............

childhood writing samples

here are some things i wrote as a youth. not much has improved since then. some of these are very morbid. what was wrong with me.

dictated story, june 1996. end of kindergarten.

once there was an octopus that had seven fish for friends. they liked to play with octopus. he loves to play with them, too. one of the fish octopus had, was an octopus. they all loved to play tag and they all liked to play lots and lots of games until there was more games in the ocean. and the octopus was all different colors and so was the fish. they were all different kinds. and different shapes and sizes. octopus' name was rainbow. all of the fish were julia, katie, romeo, and juliet. and then they loved to play. there were lots of them. they loved to play and they had one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. the octopus' colored a rope. all of them colored every fish. when they played wonderball with the seaweed, and when everyone stopped when the music stopped. the octopus was holding it. they had to swim around in a different place. their parent was called because it fun to play. they loved the ocean water because when they plated it was sun in the water. they wished they cold come out, but their mothers told them they would die if they went to land. so they stated in the water liked their mommies told them. and then they were done until the day was done. they slept in their water beds in the seaweed and sand and all the other plants that were in the water that they picked,. the octopus helped them pick them because he had long arms, tentacles. arms called tentacles so he picked them. the end.

*****

october 28, 1997 (second grade?) how the witch saved the ghost

once there was a witch who had a friend. that friend was a ghost and her name was gloia. they went to 316 spooky lane and haunted. none of the kids go near 316 anymore. they are too scared. one night when they were haunting a chest opened and a vampier came out. they ran and ran and the vampire ran faster. he cought the gost. he flew away with him. but the witch had a plan. she would sneak in his chest. when she did she saw a door. she went through. she saw the ghost. he was in a cage. she snuk the key and let him free. the end.

*****

june 17, 1998 (end of second grade)

cats are very clean. they cover their droppings in dirt. they shed and they shed alot. they lay up to 12 kitten at a time. they are mammels just like we are. mammels are annimmals that give their birth from the body and give their young milk.

*****

february 2, 1996 first grade.

once upon a time there was people and they had a little bunny and two kittens. they were careful to keep the bunny outside in a cave because they don't want to cats eating him. they always kept the bunny ouside except at night. they kept him up in a high spot in the attic. and he wasn't scared. the cats slept downstairs in the cellar. and they loved them.

sometimes, the people went out. and they left the bunny in the dining room, with nice towels all over the floor because they liked him. the bunny liked to go on the ground and hide. and they still were carefully to keep the cats out of the dining room. they always kept the cat somewhere where he liked, because they don't like the bunny getting hurt. the cat had kittens. they were mean kittens because they wanted him home all the time. and they couldn't afford the mom because they were too much money. and they had furry bunnies. but they always kept them somewhere. they always called them bunny because they had three cats a long time ago. the boy died. and the other bunny died; to they only have two cats and two bunnies. and then one of them was named lisa. and her brother was named joe. and the cat's names were harry. and one of them was jordan. and they liked to play music. the cats like to play with him- the toys- the catnip toys. they didn't play with them outside because they didn't have catnip in them. so they gave them to the bunnies. and he liked to play with them. and sometimes the bunnies would bury them in the snow. and they could find them 'til summer. the end.

*****

october 24, 1995 first grade.

once upon a time there was a cat dressed up as a ghost. and he didn't know there was another cat. and he was a bad cat. he scared him. and the monster, and the other black cat saw the monster and he scared him away. and the bad saw two pumpkin friends. and the bat scared them. and he took them away. and they stayed there. the end.

dreams i have dreamed

shout out to the fact that dreamt isn't a word and people always try to use it AND IT IS NOT A WORD SO STOP.

last night i had a dream that mick jagger was the dad of an anonymous friend of mine and she took me to his house and he started showing me around. then he took me into the back where he had this warehouse of terrible art like the kind of art that goes with people's black lacquer furniture in the 80s. and it was all really dirty. but then he had some good pieces like this keith haring painting. there were two dogs in the warehouse and one had a really long snout and i kept petting it even though it was very shaggy and dirty. then mick jagger showed me his walk in closet of black jackets.

*****

i recently had a dream about getting married. i was in this 5 story forever 21 with my dad who was pissed at me because i didn't have a dress and it was my wedding day and why am i shopping for my wedding dress at f21 with my dad this is probably actually how it will go down if i ever get married. anyway i opened this door and was out on the fire escape and saw this tiny boutique and in the window was ~the perfect dress~ so i ran over there and got it and rushed to my wedding which was at the first church in my hometown (ew) and as i was walking down the aisle i suddenly shouted "i don't want to do this. fuck this." and ran out and everyone started yelling and making a ruckus and i think i met some other dude outside and we ran away.

*****

i had a dream that i was dating this guy i was sleeping with for a hot second and i went to my middle school friend's new house she just remodeled and then i was looking at pictures and i got a text from him that said "i slept with someone else" and i got really mad and broke my flip phone in half. it was also three years in the future.

*****

one time i dreamed that i had to decide my life and the three choices were math, cooking, and something else, and i chose cooking and when i went to take the test i was in the math test instead of cooking and i was freaking out, then this guy in the chair next to me leaned over and we started making out and left.

*****

i had a dream i had 5 babies at the same time. and then i left them at my house and went next door to go to a bar exclusively to buy stickers from a sticker machine and then a giant penny came out instead and i was mad and i think i threw it at this kid who was in a booth. like a 7 year old kid. and then i was like oh shit i left all my babies at home alone what kind of parent am i. but also where was there dad? even in dreams men disappoint me.

*****

one of the best dreams i ever had was that i was on a game show called "find your man." the premise was me and a group of middle school girls were on a scavenger hunt looking for men. if you found a man you could choose to keep him or leave him in search for a better one but if you had no man when the clock ran out you were going home with no man. it was on this like, mountainous terrain with grassy hills and streams and rocky outcroppings. anyway i found a sloth/dog hybrid and was satisfied.

everyday heroes

shout out to the guy who asked me after i had finished barfing my face off in front of the gas station on 45th and duval, if i wanted some water. 

shout out to my roommate for picking me up as i wandered the streets of austin.

shout out to that extra beer i wasn't going to drink but then was bought for me. and shout out to to those guys in that apartment we went to. who when suzanne asked whose it was they all said "no one's."

shout out to no phone guy who i haven't talked to in a month telling me i can just go into his work and talk to him sometime, and he was going to the bar next week to hang out with me but did not allude to any specific day so now am i going to have to go to the bar every day next week?

shout out to my long forgotten dignity, because the one thing i said to no phone after a month of not talking, when he asked me how i was, was that i barfed my guts out last night in front of the gas station on 45th and duval and i concluded that it was "really cute."

i would hang up

currently the IT guy at my work is verbally assaulting, literally yelling at, someone on the phone saying that the reason "it don't work" is that they are using firefox and not internet explorer to try and open their web mail and it only works on internet explorer.

the other day at work, a fellow staff member (a manager) was complaining in a conference that his new email "don't work" and i was like, okay, what's the problem what kind of error message are you getting? he was on the phone with us, so i assume he opens up his computer or whatever, and he just goes "it don't work." i then asked again, was it the password that was incorrect, or what? and then he yelled, "it just don't work what part of it don't work don't you understand." so then i asked if he was connected to the internet and he got insulted.