i would hang up

currently the IT guy at my work is verbally assaulting, literally yelling at, someone on the phone saying that the reason "it don't work" is that they are using firefox and not internet explorer to try and open their web mail and it only works on internet explorer.

the other day at work, a fellow staff member (a manager) was complaining in a conference that his new email "don't work" and i was like, okay, what's the problem what kind of error message are you getting? he was on the phone with us, so i assume he opens up his computer or whatever, and he just goes "it don't work." i then asked again, was it the password that was incorrect, or what? and then he yelled, "it just don't work what part of it don't work don't you understand." so then i asked if he was connected to the internet and he got insulted.

shoot for the moon

i have finally done it. i have had sex with the correct person and now i receive free coffee.

a day in the life

one time my bff and i both got tickets for the same crime. and the cop that approached us started screaming at me to throw my cigarette on the ground and put it out, then pick it up, then put it out (it was out) and then not to litter. and then he belittled me for a while while he wrote my ticket. then when it was my friend's turn he kept calling her sweetie and telling her it was ok.

backing away slowly

so today i walked into work and the IT guy was talking about the tea party and how he is affiliated with it. i think the direct quote was "i was tea party before the tea party"

and also a bonus quote: "it doesn't matter if it's obama or clinton. i'm not for the senate." 

falls i have fallen, continued

1. one time my friend had a high school graduation party. it was the kind with family and parents and no drinking. i stood up to get a non alcoholic beverage from the cooler, and there was a chair behind me, which tripped me, and i fell down this hill with two chairs toppling over me as i narrated the entire event in real time. with such phrases as, "the chairs are falling on me." "i am falling down a hill." "i am done falling now."

2. one time i saw harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1 at midnight with my friends in union square. the 6 train has a moving platform, but for whatever reason the platform didn't move towards the train and so when the doors opened there was a gap. one that i definitely could bridge. no big deal. for whatever reason no one else is riding the downtown 6 at this time or is even on the platform. you'd think there would have been more people heading home after an exciting midnight harry potter viewing. anyway. the doors open, an MTA employee gets off, picks me up, and puts me on the train. he probably prevented some sort of horrible injury/subway death.

3. recently it rained and i slid down the sidewalk while running to the bar. i fell on my knees right in front of this guy who tried to offer a hand to help me up. then i fell again. then i got up and scurried inside the bar and none of my friends saw me because they walked like normal people.

the lord giveth and the lord taketh away

this happened to me earlier today:

my coworker and i went to this cafe near our work to get coffee and chill because sometimes you just need a second. so we get our drinks and sit outside. oh also it would be good to note that i am sleeping with a guy who works there. recently we were doing bad things (good things) on my balcony at like midnight and my landlord popped out of fucking nowhere. ehem. but i digress. i did not see him there because he usually stays in the back and makes the food. suddenly he comes outside and puts a taco in front of me and says hi. and i'm like, "are you bringing me this taco?" and he was like, "yeah." and i was like, "uh what?" and he was like, "you ordered this taco right?" and i was like, "no." and then he took it away and went back inside.

nicknames

so sophomore year of college, my bff and i lived together and it was really fun. many mornings were spent bribing each other to pick up pommes frites and many episodes of law and order svu were watched. our room was just a huge giant square with its own bathroom. 

anyway, one night, amber, daisy, and i drank a lot of vodka. i got sleepy and crawled into bed, and amber and daisy went to get some pizza down the street. i fell asleep and when i woke up i heard the shower. i assumed amber was just taking a drunk shower whatever. then i heard like all the shampoo bottles and everything fall. and i was like, aw, damn. and then i heard the shower curtain and rod tear down and make some really loud sounds so i bolted out of bed, thinking amber is most definitely dead. i swing the bathroom door open and her and some dude are just doin' it in the tub. they look up at me with deer-in-headlights eyeballs and i say, "i'll come back later." daisy is in amber's bed cracking up.

after that event was over, the guy left, and since my bed was right next to the door i gave him a little wave and he said, "it was nice meeting you."

amber stole his cigarettes out of his jeans pocket and put them in our medicine cabinet. a+ move on her part. and he left her a slice of pizza next to her bed.

and in the morning there was a poop smear on my towel (totally from that guy).