foot in mouth syndrome, etc.

1. yesterday at the OBGYN i turned to my friend and said, "babies. who even wants them?" the waiting room was full of pregnant people.
2. one time in high school this attractive-ish jock-person was hanging some paper DNA strands on the ceiling in science class. the entire class had combined their strands and convinced our teacher to let us make it into a ~garland~ and hang it on the ceiling. so this jock-bro is doing that, and he is standing on my science table, which is at the end of the room, and he says, "this DNA strand is LONG!" to which i reply, instantly, "yeah like my dick!"
3. another time i walked out of an abercrombie with my friend and the security alarm went off. the door person had to search my bag and the only thing i said to them was, "i stole everything!"
4. when i got back to the US from guatemala, the people who ask you stuff aggressively to try and make sure you aren't smuggling drugs or whatever, really caught me off guard. the guy was barraging me with questions like "where did you come from?" and "what did you do there?" and i just said, "a wedding. i think. i don't know!" and ran away. this is probably why i got taken to the back for a special search. 

the best of okcupid

here are some real life messages i have received from men on okcupid. this is the highlights reel. i was going to write some commentary but i'll let these messages speak for themselves:

hey! you look like the girl from elf, have you ever heard that before? well i think you are very beautiful and i'd like to get to know you. message me back if you're interested and we can try to do just that. cheers.

well, we seem to be interested in the same things, at least mostly, but you have your age limitations set to 22. curse my being born in '91. make an exception?

Hey can you guess what my shirt says on it in my main photo? It's a band that apparently we're both into. I've seen them play live 2x and they are my favorite band in tha whole world ever! Anyways, have you heard of a band called "My Bloody Valentine"? They were a huge influence on my favorite band AND they're coming to Austin next month...super excited!

casual sex?

Good Afternoon! 

I like your glasses, and we share some similarities as far as the questions on here go. And most of the ones that we differ on are only in magnitude, e.g. I am not Atheist, but Agnostic. We have some dissimilarities in music (I like a few Talking Heads songs, though), but differences like that are trivial and tolorable. I own 3 cats and 2 greyhounds. I volunteer at a nearby shelter on saturdays and alternate fridays to take care of the cats. And I love books. I spend more on books than video games and movies. Not very into WoW, but I do Guild Wars, so MMOs are cool with me. I'm a bit off color compared to most guys, but I'm loyal and caring (also rare for guys in the current generation). If I strike you as interesting, don't hesitate to reply to me. p.s. I wear make-up, but not very often. If that bothers you, tell me why. I'm always willing to explain myself.

hey.

cliche time!

-so i bet you get this all the time but my beard really likes you, thinks you're interesting, and would like to get to know you.

-i never do this. but my beard is a frighteningly powerful dominance in my abstract thought process, similar to a tape worm, only a less symbiotic relationship is had between myself and my beard, and i just want to say that you are really pretty!

cliches aside, and i apologize, but whatever, that was fun to write and i'm bored, but ait, WHOA, here comes yet another apology, this time for the run on sentence(s).

look, my beard is just a part of my face, and it doesn't actually control any facet of my being, but it has DEMANDED i seek communications with you....

you're really quite powerful aren't you?

how do you feel about being $poiled by an older man?

(i think the beard one is probably my favorite.)

something freudian

i took a "web design" class in high school. really it was fucking around with the like 2nd edition of dreamweaver (cs2?) and i don't even know. this was 2008 but all my websites looked like they were from 1997. just the way i like 'em. anyway. i had missed school the day we started a new project, and when i got to class the following day my teacher was hurrying out because she was pregnant and always barfing. she told me we were working on sites using this specific template about a famous person of our choosing. i was like, "cool." sat down, and got to work. mostly because this class was full of the strangest people i went to high school with, like you know those people you have literally never seen before even though the school isn't that big? like extras in a sitcom about high school. 

i decide to do rasputin because, whatever, there's probably some fun googling to be done. plus i was really into rasputin when we studied him in that modern world history class i had. so i spend the 4 days of my teacher's absence making this really great looking website about rasputin full of fun facts and information. the substitute we have is literally silent this entire time and everyone else is just kind of dicking around as usual.

the teacher comes back and announces to us that we're going to start preseting our people we admire websites.

cool.

so i get up in front of all these weirdos and start talking about my rasputin website. among the michael jordans and idk who else. who even is someone anyone admires? anyway i basically had to pull something out of my ass about why i "admired" rasputin so what i ended up saying was something along the lines of, i admired his will to live. because he got poisoned and shot and rolled up in a rug or something and thrown in a freezing cold lake of russia and lived for a really long time.

no one thought this was funny.

i'm cute

what am i doing in the bathroom at work:

1. popping a pimple/squeezing a blackhead.
2. sitting on the toilet playing solitaire.
3. picking my nose.
4. trying to get all my farts out.
5. crying.
6. actually going to the bathroom.
7. taking selfies and putting them on instagram/tumblr.
8. trying to fix my hair in a way that hides all my greasy roots.
9. plucking a giant black hair i just found on my chin.
10. texting everyone about how much i hate work.

dates i have had that rate below "meh" but definitely could have been worse

one time i went on a date that began a week or so before, in this flirtatious gesture on a hooters napkin. the guy wrote "do you want to go on a date yes no." i had to circle one. i circled yes because this person was my friend vicki's brother's friend, and i had like, probably actually never been on a date with someone who had a car before. or ever. on a date. anyway. it was the end of senior year, and in the fall i would go off to college, and figured i should check that one off the list. like that new aubrey plaza movie "the to do list" but mine was more like "the to date list" because like, i hadn't even ever drank alcohol before. or done sex.

anyway we went to this dumb restaurant where my ex also took me another time and i had to eat dinner at with his family a bunch we talked about stuff, i don't know. then we drove around talking. the only highlights i remember are him telling me how he called out of work numerous times to continue d&d campaigns. or magic the gathering. or both. let me take this time to note that d&d is fucking fun but i have never skipped out on irl life responsibilities to play. he also wore a lot of button down shiny shirts and those plastic joke shop elvis sunglasses. anyway i think we walked around this park? i literally remember very little because it was so meh to me. and then he took me home and i kissed his cheek thinking like "meh i'd make out" but not knowing how to initiate that.

the next day i was at my friend annie's and he had like tried to initiate this pokemon facebook app contact with me and had stated that my "spirit pokemon" was squirtle which is TOTALLY WRONG and then he texted me to hang out and i said no.

then he like unfriended me from facebook. then he friended me again. then i tried to contact him a few days later to be like "not feeling it" and after 3 missed calls i just left a voicemail. he called me back and practically shouted at me that if "this is how you are going to treat people you're going to have a BAD TIME in college GOOD LUCK." maybe soemthing about a wake up call. it was awkward. then he unfriended me from facebook and added me back but i did not accept this time.

PSA

i'm going to let y'all in on a little secret: if you approach someone and say 'hey do you want to make out for like 2 seconds?' they will probably be like, 'okay.'

tuff life

when i was 15 i had this crush on a boy named drew. his dad used to be a teacher at the arts high school we went to but it was rumored that he got let go because he smoked weed with students. drew and i were in the same painting class and one time spent a good amount of time using a staple gun to staple a separate peace onto the wall. for art. he was a year younger than me. anyway he said one time he would take me to prom in his dad's pickup truck full of sawdust. anyway we flirted, held hands, talked a bunch on aol instant messenger (which is where i did like 98% of my communicating from ages 11-17). one day we sat outside in this grass patch and he played 'queen jane approximately' on his boombox on repeat. fun fact: that was my most listened to song on itunes until i went to college. that clearly means i was in deep. anyway, everyone noticed our mutual crushing and shit. 

one day, he came to school with a bouquet of daisies and carried it around all day and everyone was like, "tee hee omg he's going to give it to you." and i was like aw. i didn't say anything about it, though, i just let him carry it around and converse with me as normal. at one point he gave me one of the daisies. anyway, that particular day we had electives and he and i were not in the same class. so as i was leaving to get on the bus i saw him near the entrance talking to this girl shayna. then he gave her the flowers.

later that day he messaged me and said he had the best day because he and shayna lay on the floor under a christmas tree listening to music and having deep conversations. and that he was in love with her.

i spent the next week laying on the floor of the portfolio room occasionally weeping while intermittently participating in class.

several months later, this kid eliot and i began making out for a solid 15 minutes every day behind the coffee shop near my art school. he didn't even go to school with me he just skateboarded around? that was cool of me. and also probably really showed that drew kid. actually it didn't because no one even ever saw us. then that kid tried to make me his girlfriend and i was like nope and ignored him until he went away.