something about sensitive men

last night an almost 40 year-old man recalled to me every single time hagrid cried throughout the harry potter series, and honestly, it made me want to have sex with him.

tying the knot

i went to the bar and met a guy who was very drunk. i said to him why don't i walk you home and you can go to bed. i will even tuck you in! and so we walked to his apartment and i thought if he starts making out with me i will go with it. so he did and we went to his room and had sex. then i remembered i had not closed my tab, and he said let's get more beers. we spent about 40 minutes in his living room lifting weights. then we walked back to the bar. 

as we were crossing the street a man asked for a cigarette and the man i had just met said no, and the man got really mad and threw off his coat and threw his soda on the ground and rolled up his sleeves. and i was like what the fuck is going on. they started to yell at each other, and then another man came out of the bar to try and break it up but he was too drunk. everyone was belligerent so i pulled out my taser and was like 'this ends now' and it ended, but the man who wanted the cigarette started yelling at me that i had a shitty husband and i yelled back 'i am bound by no man' and we went into the bar and drank more.

then a man i had sex with a bunch a year ago was there. we recently rekindled our friendship in bed. i think i said to him 'you can couchsurf in my bed if you want' and he came over. anyway. they were both sitting next to me and touching me and then i left the bar again with the man and we slept and had sex and did you know you can get the hiccups in your sleep?

in the morning i had to tell him about leaving and returning to the bar and the fight with the homeless man. 

they should make a woman about me called yes woman

1. i was at the bar with my coworker. then she left. i was sitting next to a girl who kind of looked like chloe sevigny. two men were sitting near us and one said, "hey would you ladies like to go to this speakeasy with us." and i looked at chloe and i said, "i'm down if you're down." then we got in the one man's audi and drove downtown and went to this fancy bar where i drank a drink with absinthe and then some kind of punch i don't remember. then we went to another bar and drank spicy margaritas. the entire night i felt like chole and the man with the audi liked each other and were kind of making fun of me? but i didn't really care. and then the other guy, who i am sure you've forgotten about by now, looked like a sort of hipster george clooney but lankier. salt and pepper hair/beard/whatever. anyway he was kinder and more quiet. when we were done drinking at the bars, the girl left to meet up with her friends, and the man in the audi drove and and george back to the original bar. then he drove me to the bus stop.

then we made out. for like an hour. and there was choking and spanking and general nasty shit going down. it was great. then he wouldn't come back to my place/take me to his place cause he had to meet the audi man. so he took down my phone number and said we were gonna get dirty at lunch the next day. except when lunch the next day rolled around he texted me "i feel pretty guilty about last night. i have a wife and kids. we shouldn't do that again."

2. i was at the bar with my coworker. we met this man who was in town for a conference. he told us he also had volunteers like us at his work and knew how little we got paid, so he was going to take us out to dinner. we chose a modest indian place nearby but he said something really fancy and special that we normally wouldn't ever go to. so we decide on a place. he takes us to a rental car and it's a mustang convertible. we ride to the restaurant, drink wine, eat a ton of delectable food. good times were had by all. as we leave the restaurant i ask if i can drive the mustang. he says yes. i get in the front seat and reveal i don't have a license. he still lets me drive it. i put the top down. it ruled.

when opportunity knocks.............