i'm cute

what am i doing in the bathroom at work:

1. popping a pimple/squeezing a blackhead.
2. sitting on the toilet playing solitaire.
3. picking my nose.
4. trying to get all my farts out.
5. crying.
6. actually going to the bathroom.
7. taking selfies and putting them on instagram/tumblr.
8. trying to fix my hair in a way that hides all my greasy roots.
9. plucking a giant black hair i just found on my chin.
10. texting everyone about how much i hate work.

dates i have had that rate below "meh" but definitely could have been worse

one time i went on a date that began a week or so before, in this flirtatious gesture on a hooters napkin. the guy wrote "do you want to go on a date yes no." i had to circle one. i circled yes because this person was my friend vicki's brother's friend, and i had like, probably actually never been on a date with someone who had a car before. or ever. on a date. anyway. it was the end of senior year, and in the fall i would go off to college, and figured i should check that one off the list. like that new aubrey plaza movie "the to do list" but mine was more like "the to date list" because like, i hadn't even ever drank alcohol before. or done sex.

anyway we went to this dumb restaurant where my ex also took me another time and i had to eat dinner at with his family a bunch we talked about stuff, i don't know. then we drove around talking. the only highlights i remember are him telling me how he called out of work numerous times to continue d&d campaigns. or magic the gathering. or both. let me take this time to note that d&d is fucking fun but i have never skipped out on irl life responsibilities to play. he also wore a lot of button down shiny shirts and those plastic joke shop elvis sunglasses. anyway i think we walked around this park? i literally remember very little because it was so meh to me. and then he took me home and i kissed his cheek thinking like "meh i'd make out" but not knowing how to initiate that.

the next day i was at my friend annie's and he had like tried to initiate this pokemon facebook app contact with me and had stated that my "spirit pokemon" was squirtle which is TOTALLY WRONG and then he texted me to hang out and i said no.

then he like unfriended me from facebook. then he friended me again. then i tried to contact him a few days later to be like "not feeling it" and after 3 missed calls i just left a voicemail. he called me back and practically shouted at me that if "this is how you are going to treat people you're going to have a BAD TIME in college GOOD LUCK." maybe soemthing about a wake up call. it was awkward. then he unfriended me from facebook and added me back but i did not accept this time.

PSA

i'm going to let y'all in on a little secret: if you approach someone and say 'hey do you want to make out for like 2 seconds?' they will probably be like, 'okay.'

tuff life

when i was 15 i had this crush on a boy named drew. his dad used to be a teacher at the arts high school we went to but it was rumored that he got let go because he smoked weed with students. drew and i were in the same painting class and one time spent a good amount of time using a staple gun to staple a separate peace onto the wall. for art. he was a year younger than me. anyway he said one time he would take me to prom in his dad's pickup truck full of sawdust. anyway we flirted, held hands, talked a bunch on aol instant messenger (which is where i did like 98% of my communicating from ages 11-17). one day we sat outside in this grass patch and he played 'queen jane approximately' on his boombox on repeat. fun fact: that was my most listened to song on itunes until i went to college. that clearly means i was in deep. anyway, everyone noticed our mutual crushing and shit. 

one day, he came to school with a bouquet of daisies and carried it around all day and everyone was like, "tee hee omg he's going to give it to you." and i was like aw. i didn't say anything about it, though, i just let him carry it around and converse with me as normal. at one point he gave me one of the daisies. anyway, that particular day we had electives and he and i were not in the same class. so as i was leaving to get on the bus i saw him near the entrance talking to this girl shayna. then he gave her the flowers.

later that day he messaged me and said he had the best day because he and shayna lay on the floor under a christmas tree listening to music and having deep conversations. and that he was in love with her.

i spent the next week laying on the floor of the portfolio room occasionally weeping while intermittently participating in class.

several months later, this kid eliot and i began making out for a solid 15 minutes every day behind the coffee shop near my art school. he didn't even go to school with me he just skateboarded around? that was cool of me. and also probably really showed that drew kid. actually it didn't because no one even ever saw us. then that kid tried to make me his girlfriend and i was like nope and ignored him until he went away.

coincidences not fate

one time i made out with this australian boat driver at camp. and then i heard it through the grapevine that he, like, "totally regretted it." whatever i'm cool and good at making out and also yolo. maybe he had some regrets because a few weeks later i tried to pay him for these cabins he rented that everyone went to and he didn't accept my money? anyway.

a few weeks later, my friend april and i took this fun bus trip to chicago, dc, philly, boston, nyc, etc. and we're fucking walking down the street in cambridge near harvard and who the heck is walking towards us? australian boat driver, his mom and sister, and the head lifeguard at our camp who one time announced to everyone that i was an "athlete" (spoiler alert: i am not an athlete). what are the chances!!!!!

no one be my friend

the time i revealed to my friend that i had hooked up with her brother during a game of 'never have i ever' where someone said, "never have i ever made out with a friends sibling" and i had to put a finger down. sorry annie.

irl missed connections

since my coworker is currently reveling in the light of her qt ass boyfriend sending her flowers at work for their 1 year anniversary, i will bitterly post about some times in my life when men were there but not at the right place or the right time. or something. basically people who i am fairly certain COULD HAVE been my soul mate if only i had acted differently or been less drunk or something.

1. so like circa some years ago, my cousins and i worked on this farm in oregon. near eugene. go ducks. anyway, we lived in a lil' tent and the woman who owned the farm had some yurts people rented and also some people living in rooms of her house and basically besides the creepy guy in the one yurt, everyone ruled and we all had a grand old time scaring off bears and raccoons and emptying out compostable toilets and using the outdoor shower that one time only to be swarmed by [two] wasps. anyway one day this neighbor whose name is, i shit you not, rain, comes over and he's talking about his banjo i think and says he's having this 4 day party at his house. with a stage. and port-o-potties. anyway we attend that one day and no one else from the house can go but this guy rowan who lives in a yurt with his girlfriend shelly. he is like basically "my type" say both my cousins (read: tall, skinny, beard, showers less-than-averagely) and at one point he and i are chatting about like, i think electricity, raising pigs, and whatever, the environment. we walk back to the house. perfect soul mate right there, seriously. anyway shelly broke up with him the evening before our last day on the farm, he moved out his stuff and i never saw him again. i wanted to like, you know, hold his slender body in my arms in the tiny tent and stroke his beard and be his rebound. 

2. last summer my friend april and i went on this fun bus trip. we stayed at a hostel in washington dc because can anyone afford that godforsaken city? the answer is no. anyway, the hostel did all these fun things like take us on a bus to georgetown and let us walk around the school and they showed us some famous people's houses. then we went to a bar. for a while, april and i didn't find anyone to talk to. then we started talking to this austrialian guy who was also a camp counselor (like we had just been). he was pretty cute if i do say so myself. anyway we also started talking to these german guys. the german ones loved april and they talked about being vegan for a real long time. me and this australian fellow just talked about video games and i think hating "the man" and stuff. he even played wow for money in this super fancy guild. he was totally flirty with me all night and we were getting the hardcore flirts on when he revealed he had a girlfriend. so i backed off. at this time the germans were like, super amped about hailing a cab. they really wanted to do it. so they hailed the cab (i hailed the cab) and paid for it (i tipped). which was nice. the next day i saw the australian guy in the stairwell and he was super hung over and threw me a peace sign. then i never saw him again. i did try to find him on facebook by searching his guild and stuff but nothing came of that. also the germans never friend requested me like they said they would. rude.

3. recently i went to this reading at a bookstore. i was kind of too drunk for the whole affair. but only a little. also if there is one thing i hate a lot it is q&a sessions. everyone asks really dumb embarrassing questions and i just want them all to be quiet. usually i will just leave but this book reading had a book signing and since i bought the book from the store i got a ticket to be in line to get my book signed and i was in the first group so what the hell. anyway, this guy sitting next to me was totally humored by my inability to contain my discomfort at the q&a. while we waited in line he said, "i liked the part where you covered your face and whispered 'make it stop.'" then he approached me outside the store and said "see you around." but like, neither of us asked for each others numbers or anything. so how the hell are we going to see anyone around! ever! maybe one day we'll be perusing the shelves of the bookstore together, see each other, and he will embrace me while telling me he's come to the bookstore every day since we met, looking for me in the aisles pining away, in love, or whatever. this night went particularly terribly because i gave my number to a guy on the bus accidentally (as in, he cornered me and i rapidly stated my phone number and told him he could get back on the bus so he wouldn't follow me home) and then that guy called me like 5x a day for a while until i figured out how to block his number. UGH. oh also i put up a "missed connection" on craigslist for the book store man and the only response i got was "how do you feel about a sugar daddy instead?"

loves labour's lost, i tell ya. 

thanksgiving eve

you know how they say thanksgiving eve is like "the biggest bar night of the year" or whatever? i will give this potentially made up statistic some credit because in my tiny ass hometown this might be true. i went to this packed bar aptly titled citrus which i found out is owned by one of my older cousin's bffs so let's pretend i have an "in" here. anyway everyone i ever went to high school with and more was there. a guy i know brought his armed forces (idk what one) friends. in a very uncharacteristic happening, they thought i was funny when i bummed their cigarettes outside and enthralled them with my hilarious personality. we went to some other bar and there was dancing. all my friends had significant others i think? or something i don't know. so when that guy came around, i told him to bring his sexy friends* to dance with us (me).

so i'm getting my dance on with this guy named vince (names have been changed to protect the innocents unable to resist my wit and charm) who i think is like not really my type (see: "distressed" abercrombie jeans and "tims"(shouldn't it be "timbs?")) but WHAT-EVER. anyway. we like do that dancey thing then leave the bar because it's closing time or my friend who is driving wants to leave. he follows me out and hugs me and picks me up and is calling me "baby" and we make out a little in a parking garage and he's being like real sweet/romantic? but i'm like tee hee i'm drunk bye. he asks for my number. i give it to him. the end. 

the next day i'm tooling around on facebook and i see on my friend's facebook wall "thanks so much for letting vince spend thanksgiving with you! take good care of him! <333" and i'm like "hm that's kinda cute his mom and my friend are facebook friends" i click on vince's mom's profile and it's actually his girlfriend. whatever, i think, men are scum or like maybe they're into that open relationship thing. who knows! not i.

a month later i'm back in the hometown for christmas. guy and vince and crew come rolling into the bar congratulating vince on his recent marriage. i have no cares but i feel like he felt real uncomfortable in my general vicinity. vince-inity. the end. 

further research confirmed that vince is, to this day, the ugliest guy i have ever kissed.

*none of these friends were sexy.

how i saved our friendship

anyone who knows me knows that i fall down a lot. like more than the average person. i would say about 99.9% of the time it's comedic. for example, one time i slipped on a single piece of plain ziti that was on the floor of an airport. i slipped like cartoon characters slip on banana peels. you get the picture. one such fall, however, stands out as very important because it probably maybe saved my friends' friendship. 

on this particular day in january, my friends and i decided to play laser tag. except that no one else wanted to go so it was just the three of us. it worked out because we played against a cute couple so no one was really outnumbered because i actually suck real bad at laser tag. afterwards, we decided to head to our local tgi friday's for some dinner. 

my friend joe was on accutane at the time and more often than not, he would react in a rage to basically anyone challenging him. so we got our bill and for whatever reason there was a dispute about how to split the tip or something and basically he and vicki were saying the same thing but he was getting super mad about it. we left the restaurant and he was in a huff. please note at this time that we did not wear our coats in because we were really sweaty from laser tag. so vicki starts skipping in the parking lot in an effort to get to the car quicker. joe and i follow suit. suddenly, a car approaches behind us. i start skipping (potentially also galloping?) to the side when suddenly joe runs into me as i'm in the air. it sends me flying across the parking lot. which is on a slant. on my face. sliding on pavement.

vicki is clearly ahead losing her shit laughing. joe helps me up. i ripped both knees of my jeans, scraped up my hands and chin, and ruined like 2 of the 3 charms on my pandora bracelet. the guy in car gets out of his car and is pointing and laughing at me. i think i am cracking up and crying all at once. then vicki and joe were friends again. the end. i don't actually know if this story is funny or not. 

no one take me out to eat

i have this curse where like, people in the food industry are really mean to me. like, laughably so. i also have this curse where if you eat out with me something will go wrong. here are some examples:

1. the time vlad and i ordered burgers from this really good burger place. mine was perfect. his was entirely raw.
2. the time i went out to eat thai food with my friend kristi and she ordered massaman curry and i ordered green curry. the waitress came out with two bowls of massaman and i politely said that i had ordered the green curry. she then started yelling at me that i definitely ordered the massaman. i kept apologizing over and over while insisting i ordered the green curry. she finally took it back.
3. the time i walked into a sandwich shop the guy looked at me and instantly yelled, "ORDER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAY SOMETHING" i ordered a vegan sandwich. i got back to work and opened it up only to realize it was chicken.
4. when i was eight years old a waiter spilled an entire tray of alcoholic beverages all over me. i was sitting in the booth.
5. one time i ate papa johns and did not stop having diarrhea for 4 days. 
6. the time vlad and i ordered thai iced teas with our delivery and got thai iced coffees that were like 50% sandy gritty something? and awful.
7. the time vlad and i went out for pasta and as he went to pour some crushed red pepper on his pasta, the lid came off dumping the entire contents of the shaker onto his pasta.
8. pretty much every time i ask for people not to toast my sandwich, they toast it.
9. once i ordered a subway sandwich with just veggies and all i got was bread.
10. once i got a hamburger that was wrapped in foil from a buffet but when i opened it up it was a hot dog cut in half between a hamburger bun. it was a food ticket thing and i couldn't bring it back.
11. another time i got food from a buffet and instantly dropped all of it and waited 45 minutes in line to get more.
12. one time the bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus with my drink and then i sat for about an hour waiting for the next bus. which was late.

achieving greatness

the other day a man rejected me. he then took off his glasses and said that i could punch him in the face. does that mean i have reached some level of being so aggressive, unbalanced, and intimidating that humans around me are quickly conditioned to expect violent outbursts from me? because if so, then good.