childhood writing samples

here are some things i wrote as a youth. not much has improved since then. some of these are very morbid. what was wrong with me.

dictated story, june 1996. end of kindergarten.

once there was an octopus that had seven fish for friends. they liked to play with octopus. he loves to play with them, too. one of the fish octopus had, was an octopus. they all loved to play tag and they all liked to play lots and lots of games until there was more games in the ocean. and the octopus was all different colors and so was the fish. they were all different kinds. and different shapes and sizes. octopus' name was rainbow. all of the fish were julia, katie, romeo, and juliet. and then they loved to play. there were lots of them. they loved to play and they had one, two, three, four, five, six, seven. the octopus' colored a rope. all of them colored every fish. when they played wonderball with the seaweed, and when everyone stopped when the music stopped. the octopus was holding it. they had to swim around in a different place. their parent was called because it fun to play. they loved the ocean water because when they plated it was sun in the water. they wished they cold come out, but their mothers told them they would die if they went to land. so they stated in the water liked their mommies told them. and then they were done until the day was done. they slept in their water beds in the seaweed and sand and all the other plants that were in the water that they picked,. the octopus helped them pick them because he had long arms, tentacles. arms called tentacles so he picked them. the end.

*****

october 28, 1997 (second grade?) how the witch saved the ghost

once there was a witch who had a friend. that friend was a ghost and her name was gloia. they went to 316 spooky lane and haunted. none of the kids go near 316 anymore. they are too scared. one night when they were haunting a chest opened and a vampier came out. they ran and ran and the vampire ran faster. he cought the gost. he flew away with him. but the witch had a plan. she would sneak in his chest. when she did she saw a door. she went through. she saw the ghost. he was in a cage. she snuk the key and let him free. the end.

*****

june 17, 1998 (end of second grade)

cats are very clean. they cover their droppings in dirt. they shed and they shed alot. they lay up to 12 kitten at a time. they are mammels just like we are. mammels are annimmals that give their birth from the body and give their young milk.

*****

february 2, 1996 first grade.

once upon a time there was people and they had a little bunny and two kittens. they were careful to keep the bunny outside in a cave because they don't want to cats eating him. they always kept the bunny ouside except at night. they kept him up in a high spot in the attic. and he wasn't scared. the cats slept downstairs in the cellar. and they loved them.

sometimes, the people went out. and they left the bunny in the dining room, with nice towels all over the floor because they liked him. the bunny liked to go on the ground and hide. and they still were carefully to keep the cats out of the dining room. they always kept the cat somewhere where he liked, because they don't like the bunny getting hurt. the cat had kittens. they were mean kittens because they wanted him home all the time. and they couldn't afford the mom because they were too much money. and they had furry bunnies. but they always kept them somewhere. they always called them bunny because they had three cats a long time ago. the boy died. and the other bunny died; to they only have two cats and two bunnies. and then one of them was named lisa. and her brother was named joe. and the cat's names were harry. and one of them was jordan. and they liked to play music. the cats like to play with him- the toys- the catnip toys. they didn't play with them outside because they didn't have catnip in them. so they gave them to the bunnies. and he liked to play with them. and sometimes the bunnies would bury them in the snow. and they could find them 'til summer. the end.

*****

october 24, 1995 first grade.

once upon a time there was a cat dressed up as a ghost. and he didn't know there was another cat. and he was a bad cat. he scared him. and the monster, and the other black cat saw the monster and he scared him away. and the bad saw two pumpkin friends. and the bat scared them. and he took them away. and they stayed there. the end.

dreams i have dreamed

shout out to the fact that dreamt isn't a word and people always try to use it AND IT IS NOT A WORD SO STOP.

last night i had a dream that mick jagger was the dad of an anonymous friend of mine and she took me to his house and he started showing me around. then he took me into the back where he had this warehouse of terrible art like the kind of art that goes with people's black lacquer furniture in the 80s. and it was all really dirty. but then he had some good pieces like this keith haring painting. there were two dogs in the warehouse and one had a really long snout and i kept petting it even though it was very shaggy and dirty. then mick jagger showed me his walk in closet of black jackets.

*****

i recently had a dream about getting married. i was in this 5 story forever 21 with my dad who was pissed at me because i didn't have a dress and it was my wedding day and why am i shopping for my wedding dress at f21 with my dad this is probably actually how it will go down if i ever get married. anyway i opened this door and was out on the fire escape and saw this tiny boutique and in the window was ~the perfect dress~ so i ran over there and got it and rushed to my wedding which was at the first church in my hometown (ew) and as i was walking down the aisle i suddenly shouted "i don't want to do this. fuck this." and ran out and everyone started yelling and making a ruckus and i think i met some other dude outside and we ran away.

*****

i had a dream that i was dating this guy i was sleeping with for a hot second and i went to my middle school friend's new house she just remodeled and then i was looking at pictures and i got a text from him that said "i slept with someone else" and i got really mad and broke my flip phone in half. it was also three years in the future.

*****

one time i dreamed that i had to decide my life and the three choices were math, cooking, and something else, and i chose cooking and when i went to take the test i was in the math test instead of cooking and i was freaking out, then this guy in the chair next to me leaned over and we started making out and left.

*****

i had a dream i had 5 babies at the same time. and then i left them at my house and went next door to go to a bar exclusively to buy stickers from a sticker machine and then a giant penny came out instead and i was mad and i think i threw it at this kid who was in a booth. like a 7 year old kid. and then i was like oh shit i left all my babies at home alone what kind of parent am i. but also where was there dad? even in dreams men disappoint me.

*****

one of the best dreams i ever had was that i was on a game show called "find your man." the premise was me and a group of middle school girls were on a scavenger hunt looking for men. if you found a man you could choose to keep him or leave him in search for a better one but if you had no man when the clock ran out you were going home with no man. it was on this like, mountainous terrain with grassy hills and streams and rocky outcroppings. anyway i found a sloth/dog hybrid and was satisfied.

everyday heroes

shout out to the guy who asked me after i had finished barfing my face off in front of the gas station on 45th and duval, if i wanted some water. 

shout out to my roommate for picking me up as i wandered the streets of austin.

shout out to that extra beer i wasn't going to drink but then was bought for me. and shout out to to those guys in that apartment we went to. who when suzanne asked whose it was they all said "no one's."

shout out to no phone guy who i haven't talked to in a month telling me i can just go into his work and talk to him sometime, and he was going to the bar next week to hang out with me but did not allude to any specific day so now am i going to have to go to the bar every day next week?

shout out to my long forgotten dignity, because the one thing i said to no phone after a month of not talking, when he asked me how i was, was that i barfed my guts out last night in front of the gas station on 45th and duval and i concluded that it was "really cute."

i would hang up

currently the IT guy at my work is verbally assaulting, literally yelling at, someone on the phone saying that the reason "it don't work" is that they are using firefox and not internet explorer to try and open their web mail and it only works on internet explorer.

the other day at work, a fellow staff member (a manager) was complaining in a conference that his new email "don't work" and i was like, okay, what's the problem what kind of error message are you getting? he was on the phone with us, so i assume he opens up his computer or whatever, and he just goes "it don't work." i then asked again, was it the password that was incorrect, or what? and then he yelled, "it just don't work what part of it don't work don't you understand." so then i asked if he was connected to the internet and he got insulted.

shoot for the moon

i have finally done it. i have had sex with the correct person and now i receive free coffee.

baby goth gives good advice

one time in middle school i was goth and wore a lot of black lipstick and cat ears (yup) and black eyeshadow and the works. some comments made to me at this time are forever embedded in my memory.

1. you can't be the student news anchor because you are goth.

2. are you goth because george harrison died?

3. are you goth because your parents don't love you?

i had a t-shirt i made and bedazzled that said BRAND NAME and the As were anarchies. and i listened to a lot of anti-flag. and i also had safety pin earrings and got sent to guidance because that was "self harm." but then in this moment that was like straight out of my so called life, this girl who wore a lot of hair gel and glow by jlo and had a like 17 year old boyfriend, had to walk with me to get our health class babies and she like begged the teacher to let us walk together instead of going one at a time, and on our walk to the health room she confided in me that she thought she was pregnant and asked me what to do and i am pretty sure i said "get an abortion" and then like 4 days later i heard her in the bathroom asking her friend if she could see her pad through her jeans so i guess she was fine. i don't even know what the point of this story is. i didn't even like kiss a boy until i was 15.

a day in the life

one time my bff and i both got tickets for the same crime. and the cop that approached us started screaming at me to throw my cigarette on the ground and put it out, then pick it up, then put it out (it was out) and then not to litter. and then he belittled me for a while while he wrote my ticket. then when it was my friend's turn he kept calling her sweetie and telling her it was ok.

backing away slowly

so today i walked into work and the IT guy was talking about the tea party and how he is affiliated with it. i think the direct quote was "i was tea party before the tea party"

and also a bonus quote: "it doesn't matter if it's obama or clinton. i'm not for the senate." 

falls i have fallen, continued

1. one time my friend had a high school graduation party. it was the kind with family and parents and no drinking. i stood up to get a non alcoholic beverage from the cooler, and there was a chair behind me, which tripped me, and i fell down this hill with two chairs toppling over me as i narrated the entire event in real time. with such phrases as, "the chairs are falling on me." "i am falling down a hill." "i am done falling now."

2. one time i saw harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1 at midnight with my friends in union square. the 6 train has a moving platform, but for whatever reason the platform didn't move towards the train and so when the doors opened there was a gap. one that i definitely could bridge. no big deal. for whatever reason no one else is riding the downtown 6 at this time or is even on the platform. you'd think there would have been more people heading home after an exciting midnight harry potter viewing. anyway. the doors open, an MTA employee gets off, picks me up, and puts me on the train. he probably prevented some sort of horrible injury/subway death.

3. recently it rained and i slid down the sidewalk while running to the bar. i fell on my knees right in front of this guy who tried to offer a hand to help me up. then i fell again. then i got up and scurried inside the bar and none of my friends saw me because they walked like normal people.

the lord giveth and the lord taketh away

this happened to me earlier today:

my coworker and i went to this cafe near our work to get coffee and chill because sometimes you just need a second. so we get our drinks and sit outside. oh also it would be good to note that i am sleeping with a guy who works there. recently we were doing bad things (good things) on my balcony at like midnight and my landlord popped out of fucking nowhere. ehem. but i digress. i did not see him there because he usually stays in the back and makes the food. suddenly he comes outside and puts a taco in front of me and says hi. and i'm like, "are you bringing me this taco?" and he was like, "yeah." and i was like, "uh what?" and he was like, "you ordered this taco right?" and i was like, "no." and then he took it away and went back inside.

nicknames

so sophomore year of college, my bff and i lived together and it was really fun. many mornings were spent bribing each other to pick up pommes frites and many episodes of law and order svu were watched. our room was just a huge giant square with its own bathroom. 

anyway, one night, amber, daisy, and i drank a lot of vodka. i got sleepy and crawled into bed, and amber and daisy went to get some pizza down the street. i fell asleep and when i woke up i heard the shower. i assumed amber was just taking a drunk shower whatever. then i heard like all the shampoo bottles and everything fall. and i was like, aw, damn. and then i heard the shower curtain and rod tear down and make some really loud sounds so i bolted out of bed, thinking amber is most definitely dead. i swing the bathroom door open and her and some dude are just doin' it in the tub. they look up at me with deer-in-headlights eyeballs and i say, "i'll come back later." daisy is in amber's bed cracking up.

after that event was over, the guy left, and since my bed was right next to the door i gave him a little wave and he said, "it was nice meeting you."

amber stole his cigarettes out of his jeans pocket and put them in our medicine cabinet. a+ move on her part. and he left her a slice of pizza next to her bed.

and in the morning there was a poop smear on my towel (totally from that guy). 

foot in mouth syndrome, etc.

1. yesterday at the OBGYN i turned to my friend and said, "babies. who even wants them?" the waiting room was full of pregnant people.
2. one time in high school this attractive-ish jock-person was hanging some paper DNA strands on the ceiling in science class. the entire class had combined their strands and convinced our teacher to let us make it into a ~garland~ and hang it on the ceiling. so this jock-bro is doing that, and he is standing on my science table, which is at the end of the room, and he says, "this DNA strand is LONG!" to which i reply, instantly, "yeah like my dick!"
3. another time i walked out of an abercrombie with my friend and the security alarm went off. the door person had to search my bag and the only thing i said to them was, "i stole everything!"
4. when i got back to the US from guatemala, the people who ask you stuff aggressively to try and make sure you aren't smuggling drugs or whatever, really caught me off guard. the guy was barraging me with questions like "where did you come from?" and "what did you do there?" and i just said, "a wedding. i think. i don't know!" and ran away. this is probably why i got taken to the back for a special search. 

the best of okcupid

here are some real life messages i have received from men on okcupid. this is the highlights reel. i was going to write some commentary but i'll let these messages speak for themselves:

hey! you look like the girl from elf, have you ever heard that before? well i think you are very beautiful and i'd like to get to know you. message me back if you're interested and we can try to do just that. cheers.

well, we seem to be interested in the same things, at least mostly, but you have your age limitations set to 22. curse my being born in '91. make an exception?

Hey can you guess what my shirt says on it in my main photo? It's a band that apparently we're both into. I've seen them play live 2x and they are my favorite band in tha whole world ever! Anyways, have you heard of a band called "My Bloody Valentine"? They were a huge influence on my favorite band AND they're coming to Austin next month...super excited!

casual sex?

Good Afternoon! 

I like your glasses, and we share some similarities as far as the questions on here go. And most of the ones that we differ on are only in magnitude, e.g. I am not Atheist, but Agnostic. We have some dissimilarities in music (I like a few Talking Heads songs, though), but differences like that are trivial and tolorable. I own 3 cats and 2 greyhounds. I volunteer at a nearby shelter on saturdays and alternate fridays to take care of the cats. And I love books. I spend more on books than video games and movies. Not very into WoW, but I do Guild Wars, so MMOs are cool with me. I'm a bit off color compared to most guys, but I'm loyal and caring (also rare for guys in the current generation). If I strike you as interesting, don't hesitate to reply to me. p.s. I wear make-up, but not very often. If that bothers you, tell me why. I'm always willing to explain myself.

hey.

cliche time!

-so i bet you get this all the time but my beard really likes you, thinks you're interesting, and would like to get to know you.

-i never do this. but my beard is a frighteningly powerful dominance in my abstract thought process, similar to a tape worm, only a less symbiotic relationship is had between myself and my beard, and i just want to say that you are really pretty!

cliches aside, and i apologize, but whatever, that was fun to write and i'm bored, but ait, WHOA, here comes yet another apology, this time for the run on sentence(s).

look, my beard is just a part of my face, and it doesn't actually control any facet of my being, but it has DEMANDED i seek communications with you....

you're really quite powerful aren't you?

how do you feel about being $poiled by an older man?

(i think the beard one is probably my favorite.)

something freudian

i took a "web design" class in high school. really it was fucking around with the like 2nd edition of dreamweaver (cs2?) and i don't even know. this was 2008 but all my websites looked like they were from 1997. just the way i like 'em. anyway. i had missed school the day we started a new project, and when i got to class the following day my teacher was hurrying out because she was pregnant and always barfing. she told me we were working on sites using this specific template about a famous person of our choosing. i was like, "cool." sat down, and got to work. mostly because this class was full of the strangest people i went to high school with, like you know those people you have literally never seen before even though the school isn't that big? like extras in a sitcom about high school. 

i decide to do rasputin because, whatever, there's probably some fun googling to be done. plus i was really into rasputin when we studied him in that modern world history class i had. so i spend the 4 days of my teacher's absence making this really great looking website about rasputin full of fun facts and information. the substitute we have is literally silent this entire time and everyone else is just kind of dicking around as usual.

the teacher comes back and announces to us that we're going to start preseting our people we admire websites.

cool.

so i get up in front of all these weirdos and start talking about my rasputin website. among the michael jordans and idk who else. who even is someone anyone admires? anyway i basically had to pull something out of my ass about why i "admired" rasputin so what i ended up saying was something along the lines of, i admired his will to live. because he got poisoned and shot and rolled up in a rug or something and thrown in a freezing cold lake of russia and lived for a really long time.

no one thought this was funny.

i'm cute

what am i doing in the bathroom at work:

1. popping a pimple/squeezing a blackhead.
2. sitting on the toilet playing solitaire.
3. picking my nose.
4. trying to get all my farts out.
5. crying.
6. actually going to the bathroom.
7. taking selfies and putting them on instagram/tumblr.
8. trying to fix my hair in a way that hides all my greasy roots.
9. plucking a giant black hair i just found on my chin.
10. texting everyone about how much i hate work.

dates i have had that rate below "meh" but definitely could have been worse

one time i went on a date that began a week or so before, in this flirtatious gesture on a hooters napkin. the guy wrote "do you want to go on a date yes no." i had to circle one. i circled yes because this person was my friend vicki's brother's friend, and i had like, probably actually never been on a date with someone who had a car before. or ever. on a date. anyway. it was the end of senior year, and in the fall i would go off to college, and figured i should check that one off the list. like that new aubrey plaza movie "the to do list" but mine was more like "the to date list" because like, i hadn't even ever drank alcohol before. or done sex.

anyway we went to this dumb restaurant where my ex also took me another time and i had to eat dinner at with his family a bunch we talked about stuff, i don't know. then we drove around talking. the only highlights i remember are him telling me how he called out of work numerous times to continue d&d campaigns. or magic the gathering. or both. let me take this time to note that d&d is fucking fun but i have never skipped out on irl life responsibilities to play. he also wore a lot of button down shiny shirts and those plastic joke shop elvis sunglasses. anyway i think we walked around this park? i literally remember very little because it was so meh to me. and then he took me home and i kissed his cheek thinking like "meh i'd make out" but not knowing how to initiate that.

the next day i was at my friend annie's and he had like tried to initiate this pokemon facebook app contact with me and had stated that my "spirit pokemon" was squirtle which is TOTALLY WRONG and then he texted me to hang out and i said no.

then he like unfriended me from facebook. then he friended me again. then i tried to contact him a few days later to be like "not feeling it" and after 3 missed calls i just left a voicemail. he called me back and practically shouted at me that if "this is how you are going to treat people you're going to have a BAD TIME in college GOOD LUCK." maybe soemthing about a wake up call. it was awkward. then he unfriended me from facebook and added me back but i did not accept this time.

PSA

i'm going to let y'all in on a little secret: if you approach someone and say 'hey do you want to make out for like 2 seconds?' they will probably be like, 'okay.'

tuff life

when i was 15 i had this crush on a boy named drew. his dad used to be a teacher at the arts high school we went to but it was rumored that he got let go because he smoked weed with students. drew and i were in the same painting class and one time spent a good amount of time using a staple gun to staple a separate peace onto the wall. for art. he was a year younger than me. anyway he said one time he would take me to prom in his dad's pickup truck full of sawdust. anyway we flirted, held hands, talked a bunch on aol instant messenger (which is where i did like 98% of my communicating from ages 11-17). one day we sat outside in this grass patch and he played 'queen jane approximately' on his boombox on repeat. fun fact: that was my most listened to song on itunes until i went to college. that clearly means i was in deep. anyway, everyone noticed our mutual crushing and shit. 

one day, he came to school with a bouquet of daisies and carried it around all day and everyone was like, "tee hee omg he's going to give it to you." and i was like aw. i didn't say anything about it, though, i just let him carry it around and converse with me as normal. at one point he gave me one of the daisies. anyway, that particular day we had electives and he and i were not in the same class. so as i was leaving to get on the bus i saw him near the entrance talking to this girl shayna. then he gave her the flowers.

later that day he messaged me and said he had the best day because he and shayna lay on the floor under a christmas tree listening to music and having deep conversations. and that he was in love with her.

i spent the next week laying on the floor of the portfolio room occasionally weeping while intermittently participating in class.

several months later, this kid eliot and i began making out for a solid 15 minutes every day behind the coffee shop near my art school. he didn't even go to school with me he just skateboarded around? that was cool of me. and also probably really showed that drew kid. actually it didn't because no one even ever saw us. then that kid tried to make me his girlfriend and i was like nope and ignored him until he went away.

coincidences not fate

one time i made out with this australian boat driver at camp. and then i heard it through the grapevine that he, like, "totally regretted it." whatever i'm cool and good at making out and also yolo. maybe he had some regrets because a few weeks later i tried to pay him for these cabins he rented that everyone went to and he didn't accept my money? anyway.

a few weeks later, my friend april and i took this fun bus trip to chicago, dc, philly, boston, nyc, etc. and we're fucking walking down the street in cambridge near harvard and who the heck is walking towards us? australian boat driver, his mom and sister, and the head lifeguard at our camp who one time announced to everyone that i was an "athlete" (spoiler alert: i am not an athlete). what are the chances!!!!!

no one be my friend

the time i revealed to my friend that i had hooked up with her brother during a game of 'never have i ever' where someone said, "never have i ever made out with a friends sibling" and i had to put a finger down. sorry annie.

irl missed connections

since my coworker is currently reveling in the light of her qt ass boyfriend sending her flowers at work for their 1 year anniversary, i will bitterly post about some times in my life when men were there but not at the right place or the right time. or something. basically people who i am fairly certain COULD HAVE been my soul mate if only i had acted differently or been less drunk or something.

1. so like circa some years ago, my cousins and i worked on this farm in oregon. near eugene. go ducks. anyway, we lived in a lil' tent and the woman who owned the farm had some yurts people rented and also some people living in rooms of her house and basically besides the creepy guy in the one yurt, everyone ruled and we all had a grand old time scaring off bears and raccoons and emptying out compostable toilets and using the outdoor shower that one time only to be swarmed by [two] wasps. anyway one day this neighbor whose name is, i shit you not, rain, comes over and he's talking about his banjo i think and says he's having this 4 day party at his house. with a stage. and port-o-potties. anyway we attend that one day and no one else from the house can go but this guy rowan who lives in a yurt with his girlfriend shelly. he is like basically "my type" say both my cousins (read: tall, skinny, beard, showers less-than-averagely) and at one point he and i are chatting about like, i think electricity, raising pigs, and whatever, the environment. we walk back to the house. perfect soul mate right there, seriously. anyway shelly broke up with him the evening before our last day on the farm, he moved out his stuff and i never saw him again. i wanted to like, you know, hold his slender body in my arms in the tiny tent and stroke his beard and be his rebound. 

2. last summer my friend april and i went on this fun bus trip. we stayed at a hostel in washington dc because can anyone afford that godforsaken city? the answer is no. anyway, the hostel did all these fun things like take us on a bus to georgetown and let us walk around the school and they showed us some famous people's houses. then we went to a bar. for a while, april and i didn't find anyone to talk to. then we started talking to this austrialian guy who was also a camp counselor (like we had just been). he was pretty cute if i do say so myself. anyway we also started talking to these german guys. the german ones loved april and they talked about being vegan for a real long time. me and this australian fellow just talked about video games and i think hating "the man" and stuff. he even played wow for money in this super fancy guild. he was totally flirty with me all night and we were getting the hardcore flirts on when he revealed he had a girlfriend. so i backed off. at this time the germans were like, super amped about hailing a cab. they really wanted to do it. so they hailed the cab (i hailed the cab) and paid for it (i tipped). which was nice. the next day i saw the australian guy in the stairwell and he was super hung over and threw me a peace sign. then i never saw him again. i did try to find him on facebook by searching his guild and stuff but nothing came of that. also the germans never friend requested me like they said they would. rude.

3. recently i went to this reading at a bookstore. i was kind of too drunk for the whole affair. but only a little. also if there is one thing i hate a lot it is q&a sessions. everyone asks really dumb embarrassing questions and i just want them all to be quiet. usually i will just leave but this book reading had a book signing and since i bought the book from the store i got a ticket to be in line to get my book signed and i was in the first group so what the hell. anyway, this guy sitting next to me was totally humored by my inability to contain my discomfort at the q&a. while we waited in line he said, "i liked the part where you covered your face and whispered 'make it stop.'" then he approached me outside the store and said "see you around." but like, neither of us asked for each others numbers or anything. so how the hell are we going to see anyone around! ever! maybe one day we'll be perusing the shelves of the bookstore together, see each other, and he will embrace me while telling me he's come to the bookstore every day since we met, looking for me in the aisles pining away, in love, or whatever. this night went particularly terribly because i gave my number to a guy on the bus accidentally (as in, he cornered me and i rapidly stated my phone number and told him he could get back on the bus so he wouldn't follow me home) and then that guy called me like 5x a day for a while until i figured out how to block his number. UGH. oh also i put up a "missed connection" on craigslist for the book store man and the only response i got was "how do you feel about a sugar daddy instead?"

loves labour's lost, i tell ya. 

thanksgiving eve

you know how they say thanksgiving eve is like "the biggest bar night of the year" or whatever? i will give this potentially made up statistic some credit because in my tiny ass hometown this might be true. i went to this packed bar aptly titled citrus which i found out is owned by one of my older cousin's bffs so let's pretend i have an "in" here. anyway everyone i ever went to high school with and more was there. a guy i know brought his armed forces (idk what one) friends. in a very uncharacteristic happening, they thought i was funny when i bummed their cigarettes outside and enthralled them with my hilarious personality. we went to some other bar and there was dancing. all my friends had significant others i think? or something i don't know. so when that guy came around, i told him to bring his sexy friends* to dance with us (me).

so i'm getting my dance on with this guy named vince (names have been changed to protect the innocents unable to resist my wit and charm) who i think is like not really my type (see: "distressed" abercrombie jeans and "tims"(shouldn't it be "timbs?")) but WHAT-EVER. anyway. we like do that dancey thing then leave the bar because it's closing time or my friend who is driving wants to leave. he follows me out and hugs me and picks me up and is calling me "baby" and we make out a little in a parking garage and he's being like real sweet/romantic? but i'm like tee hee i'm drunk bye. he asks for my number. i give it to him. the end. 

the next day i'm tooling around on facebook and i see on my friend's facebook wall "thanks so much for letting vince spend thanksgiving with you! take good care of him! <333" and i'm like "hm that's kinda cute his mom and my friend are facebook friends" i click on vince's mom's profile and it's actually his girlfriend. whatever, i think, men are scum or like maybe they're into that open relationship thing. who knows! not i.

a month later i'm back in the hometown for christmas. guy and vince and crew come rolling into the bar congratulating vince on his recent marriage. i have no cares but i feel like he felt real uncomfortable in my general vicinity. vince-inity. the end. 

further research confirmed that vince is, to this day, the ugliest guy i have ever kissed.

*none of these friends were sexy.

how i saved our friendship

anyone who knows me knows that i fall down a lot. like more than the average person. i would say about 99.9% of the time it's comedic. for example, one time i slipped on a single piece of plain ziti that was on the floor of an airport. i slipped like cartoon characters slip on banana peels. you get the picture. one such fall, however, stands out as very important because it probably maybe saved my friends' friendship. 

on this particular day in january, my friends and i decided to play laser tag. except that no one else wanted to go so it was just the three of us. it worked out because we played against a cute couple so no one was really outnumbered because i actually suck real bad at laser tag. afterwards, we decided to head to our local tgi friday's for some dinner. 

my friend joe was on accutane at the time and more often than not, he would react in a rage to basically anyone challenging him. so we got our bill and for whatever reason there was a dispute about how to split the tip or something and basically he and vicki were saying the same thing but he was getting super mad about it. we left the restaurant and he was in a huff. please note at this time that we did not wear our coats in because we were really sweaty from laser tag. so vicki starts skipping in the parking lot in an effort to get to the car quicker. joe and i follow suit. suddenly, a car approaches behind us. i start skipping (potentially also galloping?) to the side when suddenly joe runs into me as i'm in the air. it sends me flying across the parking lot. which is on a slant. on my face. sliding on pavement.

vicki is clearly ahead losing her shit laughing. joe helps me up. i ripped both knees of my jeans, scraped up my hands and chin, and ruined like 2 of the 3 charms on my pandora bracelet. the guy in car gets out of his car and is pointing and laughing at me. i think i am cracking up and crying all at once. then vicki and joe were friends again. the end. i don't actually know if this story is funny or not. 

no one take me out to eat

i have this curse where like, people in the food industry are really mean to me. like, laughably so. i also have this curse where if you eat out with me something will go wrong. here are some examples:

1. the time vlad and i ordered burgers from this really good burger place. mine was perfect. his was entirely raw.
2. the time i went out to eat thai food with my friend kristi and she ordered massaman curry and i ordered green curry. the waitress came out with two bowls of massaman and i politely said that i had ordered the green curry. she then started yelling at me that i definitely ordered the massaman. i kept apologizing over and over while insisting i ordered the green curry. she finally took it back.
3. the time i walked into a sandwich shop the guy looked at me and instantly yelled, "ORDER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAY SOMETHING" i ordered a vegan sandwich. i got back to work and opened it up only to realize it was chicken.
4. when i was eight years old a waiter spilled an entire tray of alcoholic beverages all over me. i was sitting in the booth.
5. one time i ate papa johns and did not stop having diarrhea for 4 days. 
6. the time vlad and i ordered thai iced teas with our delivery and got thai iced coffees that were like 50% sandy gritty something? and awful.
7. the time vlad and i went out for pasta and as he went to pour some crushed red pepper on his pasta, the lid came off dumping the entire contents of the shaker onto his pasta.
8. pretty much every time i ask for people not to toast my sandwich, they toast it.
9. once i ordered a subway sandwich with just veggies and all i got was bread.
10. once i got a hamburger that was wrapped in foil from a buffet but when i opened it up it was a hot dog cut in half between a hamburger bun. it was a food ticket thing and i couldn't bring it back.
11. another time i got food from a buffet and instantly dropped all of it and waited 45 minutes in line to get more.
12. one time the bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus with my drink and then i sat for about an hour waiting for the next bus. which was late.

achieving greatness

the other day a man rejected me. he then took off his glasses and said that i could punch him in the face. does that mean i have reached some level of being so aggressive, unbalanced, and intimidating that humans around me are quickly conditioned to expect violent outbursts from me? because if so, then good.

"dirty talk"

one time i was at a party and someone kept putting on top 40s hits and i kept dancing like i was at a high school dance. at least, in my drunken mind that's what i thought. basically fake grinding with everyone. so me and this guy are dancing and then we're on this balcony and he is biting my arm and neck and also kissing me and he says, "do you want to go back to your place and take all our clothes off and dance around?" and i was like, "yeah!!!" so then we go inside and some good song is playing so i have to dance some more because i am a dancing machine, people. i find a bottle of wine on the radiator and i probably drank 75% and gave him the remaining quarter. 

we go back to my place and start doing it. at one point he thrusts my arm up and smells/licks/nuzzles my armpit sensually which i think i'm supposed to think is "weird" but i actually thought it was adorable. then we're doing it and he's "talking dirty" to me which suddenly, seamlessly transitions into telling me about how his dad got killed. 

keep in mind i am very drunk so i start crying. and then he tried to put it in my butt and it really hurt so i went into the bathroom and curled up in a ball and wept for a while, came back out, and we finished up. he used my toothbrush in the morning and wouldn't stop cuddling. i had stuff to do so after he left i threw on this sundress and when i arrived at my destination some guy who was sitting nearby was like very concerned and said, "oh my god did someone beat the shit out of you?" and i was like, "huh?" then i went to the bathroom and my arms and neck and part of my face (?) was covered in bruises. then i peed that wine out of my butt for the rest of the day. the end.

the worst dream / give the man an oscar

so i know some people don't "care" about dreams and don't want to hear about the dreams of others. first off, i always want to tell everyone my dreams. second, i want to hear everyone's dreams. third, if i am featured in your dream, you better fucking tell me or else. that being said here is a very symbolic and important dream i had recently:

i was at a party at my friend's parent's house. it was casual but then leonardo dicaprio showed up wearing a black suit and black tie. he and i went upstairs to the bathroom where we proceeded to make out. he then sat down on the closed toilet and asked me to give him head. so i did that for a while, then i moved his ballsack aside, revealing a vagina. suddenly leonardo dicaprio started touching my face and saying, "lick my clit," over and over. i said, "okay," and did what he said.

i hope no one ever reads this.

lies i have been told part 1

things the "higher ups" at my job have told me:

1. "download some more RAM"
2. "try that in internet explorer"
3. "if you leave the light on all day it wastes less energy than turning it on and off all day:"

i was not met with an answer

today i googled: is anxiety a product of our society.

30th birthday party

when i was like 17 or 18? i don't know. i think i was still in high school or had just graduated. my best friend's older brother had a 30th birthday party which was at this bar and billiards "lounge" called "the blue cube" which i think you can imagine was a real hip place. i must have been 18 because i remember my friend was still dating his girlfriend and they broke up when i was a freshman in college. important details.

so my friend, her middle brother and his girlfriend, and i arrive at the blue cube. somehow we get sneaked in because we're not 21. her dad lets us drink ginger ales and sodas on his tab. we're mostly sitting. i remember taking some black and white photographs of people playing pool. at a certain point one of her brother's friends starts talking to us. we all start dancing, but like the guy is grinding with my friend and then her mom comes over and tells him no (ha) so then he starts grinding with me. then this guy who is like 12 years older than my best friend but totally in love with her comes over and starts dancing with us and i am in some sort of dancey grinder sandwich with these two guys, and the one behind me keeps taking my hands and putting them on the butt of the guy in front of me. 

eventually that ends and the guy and i are sitting down. i had cut myself shaving and had a hello kitty band-aid on my ankle that he kept rubbing. he also kept asking me if my ginger ale was beer and why was i drinking beer with a straw.

eventually the party was over and my best friend drove her brother and his girlfriend and me home. her brother's girlfriend fell on the ice in the parking lot and kept telling the brother to beat up the bouncer who was laughing at her. and then my best friend put a prince CD on and the girl kept screaming "i wanna be skinny like prince."

i am unfit to work

another time i embarrassed myself is when i worked at summer camp. several terrible albeit hilarious things happened to me. the first and foremost being the rumor that i was a lesbian who was going to "go straight" for this guy who i couldn't stand. and another was i was in love with this guy i made out with because if you make out it means you're bf and gf. oh and also that i should date THE MOST ANNOYING GUY i have ever met in my life because we were "similar." anyway here are the top 3 things:

1. on like, the first day, i was in the staff cabin at my locker. the cabin was made of plywood, had some computers from like 1992, and about 6 really old couches that someone probably picked up on the side of the road. i was done at my locker and wanted to go sit on the couch. the back of the couch faced me and i thought i'd hop on over it and lay down like a cool hybrid fonzie/fresh prince move. you know cool people do that shit in movies all the time! so i threw myself over the side of the couch, said in monotone, "do a barrel roll." and then the couch since it was garbage collapsed and rolled on top of me and i was stuck. two of my coworkers had to lift the couch off me and my pride was broken but not for long because i continued to sass my way into the hearts of basically no one for the rest of the summer.

2. i hung out in the art room a lot and often helped out. there was this girl who was one of the oldest campers who was always there too because for some reason she couldn't swim and do a lot of other camp activities. i really liked her because she was kind of edgy compared to the rest of those those lester's-shopping tools. she also had great hair and always had like a bunch of cute clips in it and styled it great. one day when at art i was like, "your hair always looks so great! it's like perfect! i'm so jealous!" :D :D :D and she was kind of weird and standoffish about it and i was like, oh maybe because puberty i made her feel weird with my compliment. 

anyway, several days later i mentioned her hair and how great it was to one of my fellow counselors and she gave me this death stare and was like, ".....why would you make fun of her like that." and i had to explain, no, she was mistaken, i really thought this camper had great hair. and that's when she revealed to me that this camper had cancer and her fantastic hair was a wig and so in retrospect that girl probably thought i was giving her a pity compliment or something. and then i felt awkward around her for the rest of the summer.

3. the time i was climbing up this giant inflatable slide in the lake, got to the top, proceeded to fall down all of the inflatable steps face first, unable to catch myself on the slippery plastic or hard plastic rungs as they slapped me in the face. then i hit the platform, slid off and into the water. and the lifeguards blew their whistles and i climbed out of the water, got onto the platform and kind of wanted to die but i climbed up the entire slide to the top and slid down just to prove that i was okay. but i was fairly certain at the time that my entire face was broken.

"inspiration"

when i was like 7 i was fishing and i caught a fish. i put it in a bucket of water, expecting to release it in a while after i caught a few more. an osprey swooped down and stole my fish.

when i relayed this story to my coworker recently she started laughing and said, "that is the story of your life an osprey is always stealing your fish."

a "date"

yesterday i went to this guys house and i thought we were going to make out. i don't even know how i secured this deal in the first place because the other night we were texting and he said, "youre dirty," to which i replied, "as in i don't shower?" thinking i was being hil-arious and not gross. i probably came off as gross and not cute.

anyway i went to go seal the deal (with our mouths) but then he said he was “too old for me” but also that i was “a cutie” and “fun” etc. i had no witty comebacks or anything so i just made weird faces. like sir, excuse me, i did not envision this outcome so i haven't prepared any content. i was also very stoned.

we were watching point break and i kept thinking the twist of the movie was that gary busey and patrick swayze were the same person and then kept having to remind myself that they were not.

he drove me home and i didn't have anything to say so i was just sitting there silently grinning. i think he thought i was crying a little in the passenger seat but i was actually holding back laughter for whatever reason. suddenly i said, "i have a confession to make." he looked at me kind of like he was nervous about what i was going to say. then i said, "i think i gave a middle school kid a cigarette today." when we got to my house i offered my hand for a high-five and said, "i don't know what we do here." then he gave me a light, one-armed hug.

too bad tho he was cute with his cat and like, that’s how you get to me man just be cute with your cat. that's all i'm asking.