"dirty talk"

one time i was at a party and someone kept putting on top 40s hits and i kept dancing like i was at a high school dance. at least, in my drunken mind that's what i thought. basically fake grinding with everyone. so me and this guy are dancing and then we're on this balcony and he is biting my arm and neck and also kissing me and he says, "do you want to go back to your place and take all our clothes off and dance around?" and i was like, "yeah!!!" so then we go inside and some good song is playing so i have to dance some more because i am a dancing machine, people. i find a bottle of wine on the radiator and i probably drank 75% and gave him the remaining quarter. 

we go back to my place and start doing it. at one point he thrusts my arm up and smells/licks/nuzzles my armpit sensually which i think i'm supposed to think is "weird" but i actually thought it was adorable. then we're doing it and he's "talking dirty" to me which suddenly, seamlessly transitions into telling me about how his dad got killed. 

keep in mind i am very drunk so i start crying. and then he tried to put it in my butt and it really hurt so i went into the bathroom and curled up in a ball and wept for a while, came back out, and we finished up. he used my toothbrush in the morning and wouldn't stop cuddling. i had stuff to do so after he left i threw on this sundress and when i arrived at my destination some guy who was sitting nearby was like very concerned and said, "oh my god did someone beat the shit out of you?" and i was like, "huh?" then i went to the bathroom and my arms and neck and part of my face (?) was covered in bruises. then i peed that wine out of my butt for the rest of the day. the end.

the worst dream / give the man an oscar

so i know some people don't "care" about dreams and don't want to hear about the dreams of others. first off, i always want to tell everyone my dreams. second, i want to hear everyone's dreams. third, if i am featured in your dream, you better fucking tell me or else. that being said here is a very symbolic and important dream i had recently:

i was at a party at my friend's parent's house. it was casual but then leonardo dicaprio showed up wearing a black suit and black tie. he and i went upstairs to the bathroom where we proceeded to make out. he then sat down on the closed toilet and asked me to give him head. so i did that for a while, then i moved his ballsack aside, revealing a vagina. suddenly leonardo dicaprio started touching my face and saying, "lick my clit," over and over. i said, "okay," and did what he said.

i hope no one ever reads this.

lies i have been told part 1

things the "higher ups" at my job have told me:

1. "download some more RAM"
2. "try that in internet explorer"
3. "if you leave the light on all day it wastes less energy than turning it on and off all day:"

i was not met with an answer

today i googled: is anxiety a product of our society.

30th birthday party

when i was like 17 or 18? i don't know. i think i was still in high school or had just graduated. my best friend's older brother had a 30th birthday party which was at this bar and billiards "lounge" called "the blue cube" which i think you can imagine was a real hip place. i must have been 18 because i remember my friend was still dating his girlfriend and they broke up when i was a freshman in college. important details.

so my friend, her middle brother and his girlfriend, and i arrive at the blue cube. somehow we get sneaked in because we're not 21. her dad lets us drink ginger ales and sodas on his tab. we're mostly sitting. i remember taking some black and white photographs of people playing pool. at a certain point one of her brother's friends starts talking to us. we all start dancing, but like the guy is grinding with my friend and then her mom comes over and tells him no (ha) so then he starts grinding with me. then this guy who is like 12 years older than my best friend but totally in love with her comes over and starts dancing with us and i am in some sort of dancey grinder sandwich with these two guys, and the one behind me keeps taking my hands and putting them on the butt of the guy in front of me. 

eventually that ends and the guy and i are sitting down. i had cut myself shaving and had a hello kitty band-aid on my ankle that he kept rubbing. he also kept asking me if my ginger ale was beer and why was i drinking beer with a straw.

eventually the party was over and my best friend drove her brother and his girlfriend and me home. her brother's girlfriend fell on the ice in the parking lot and kept telling the brother to beat up the bouncer who was laughing at her. and then my best friend put a prince CD on and the girl kept screaming "i wanna be skinny like prince."

i am unfit to work

another time i embarrassed myself is when i worked at summer camp. several terrible albeit hilarious things happened to me. the first and foremost being the rumor that i was a lesbian who was going to "go straight" for this guy who i couldn't stand. and another was i was in love with this guy i made out with because if you make out it means you're bf and gf. oh and also that i should date THE MOST ANNOYING GUY i have ever met in my life because we were "similar." anyway here are the top 3 things:

1. on like, the first day, i was in the staff cabin at my locker. the cabin was made of plywood, had some computers from like 1992, and about 6 really old couches that someone probably picked up on the side of the road. i was done at my locker and wanted to go sit on the couch. the back of the couch faced me and i thought i'd hop on over it and lay down like a cool hybrid fonzie/fresh prince move. you know cool people do that shit in movies all the time! so i threw myself over the side of the couch, said in monotone, "do a barrel roll." and then the couch since it was garbage collapsed and rolled on top of me and i was stuck. two of my coworkers had to lift the couch off me and my pride was broken but not for long because i continued to sass my way into the hearts of basically no one for the rest of the summer.

2. i hung out in the art room a lot and often helped out. there was this girl who was one of the oldest campers who was always there too because for some reason she couldn't swim and do a lot of other camp activities. i really liked her because she was kind of edgy compared to the rest of those those lester's-shopping tools. she also had great hair and always had like a bunch of cute clips in it and styled it great. one day when at art i was like, "your hair always looks so great! it's like perfect! i'm so jealous!" :D :D :D and she was kind of weird and standoffish about it and i was like, oh maybe because puberty i made her feel weird with my compliment. 

anyway, several days later i mentioned her hair and how great it was to one of my fellow counselors and she gave me this death stare and was like, ".....why would you make fun of her like that." and i had to explain, no, she was mistaken, i really thought this camper had great hair. and that's when she revealed to me that this camper had cancer and her fantastic hair was a wig and so in retrospect that girl probably thought i was giving her a pity compliment or something. and then i felt awkward around her for the rest of the summer.

3. the time i was climbing up this giant inflatable slide in the lake, got to the top, proceeded to fall down all of the inflatable steps face first, unable to catch myself on the slippery plastic or hard plastic rungs as they slapped me in the face. then i hit the platform, slid off and into the water. and the lifeguards blew their whistles and i climbed out of the water, got onto the platform and kind of wanted to die but i climbed up the entire slide to the top and slid down just to prove that i was okay. but i was fairly certain at the time that my entire face was broken.

"inspiration"

when i was like 7 i was fishing and i caught a fish. i put it in a bucket of water, expecting to release it in a while after i caught a few more. an osprey swooped down and stole my fish.

when i relayed this story to my coworker recently she started laughing and said, "that is the story of your life an osprey is always stealing your fish."

a "date"

yesterday i went to this guys house and i thought we were going to make out. i don't even know how i secured this deal in the first place because the other night we were texting and he said, "youre dirty," to which i replied, "as in i don't shower?" thinking i was being hil-arious and not gross. i probably came off as gross and not cute.

anyway i went to go seal the deal (with our mouths) but then he said he was “too old for me” but also that i was “a cutie” and “fun” etc. i had no witty comebacks or anything so i just made weird faces. like sir, excuse me, i did not envision this outcome so i haven't prepared any content. i was also very stoned.

we were watching point break and i kept thinking the twist of the movie was that gary busey and patrick swayze were the same person and then kept having to remind myself that they were not.

he drove me home and i didn't have anything to say so i was just sitting there silently grinning. i think he thought i was crying a little in the passenger seat but i was actually holding back laughter for whatever reason. suddenly i said, "i have a confession to make." he looked at me kind of like he was nervous about what i was going to say. then i said, "i think i gave a middle school kid a cigarette today." when we got to my house i offered my hand for a high-five and said, "i don't know what we do here." then he gave me a light, one-armed hug.

too bad tho he was cute with his cat and like, that’s how you get to me man just be cute with your cat. that's all i'm asking.