baby goth gives good advice

one time in middle school i was goth and wore a lot of black lipstick and cat ears (yup) and black eyeshadow and the works. some comments made to me at this time are forever embedded in my memory.

1. you can't be the student news anchor because you are goth.

2. are you goth because george harrison died?

3. are you goth because your parents don't love you?

i had a t-shirt i made and bedazzled that said BRAND NAME and the As were anarchies. and i listened to a lot of anti-flag. and i also had safety pin earrings and got sent to guidance because that was "self harm." but then in this moment that was like straight out of my so called life, this girl who wore a lot of hair gel and glow by jlo and had a like 17 year old boyfriend, had to walk with me to get our health class babies and she like begged the teacher to let us walk together instead of going one at a time, and on our walk to the health room she confided in me that she thought she was pregnant and asked me what to do and i am pretty sure i said "get an abortion" and then like 4 days later i heard her in the bathroom asking her friend if she could see her pad through her jeans so i guess she was fine. i don't even know what the point of this story is. i didn't even like kiss a boy until i was 15.

a day in the life

one time my bff and i both got tickets for the same crime. and the cop that approached us started screaming at me to throw my cigarette on the ground and put it out, then pick it up, then put it out (it was out) and then not to litter. and then he belittled me for a while while he wrote my ticket. then when it was my friend's turn he kept calling her sweetie and telling her it was ok.

backing away slowly

so today i walked into work and the IT guy was talking about the tea party and how he is affiliated with it. i think the direct quote was "i was tea party before the tea party"

and also a bonus quote: "it doesn't matter if it's obama or clinton. i'm not for the senate." 

falls i have fallen, continued

1. one time my friend had a high school graduation party. it was the kind with family and parents and no drinking. i stood up to get a non alcoholic beverage from the cooler, and there was a chair behind me, which tripped me, and i fell down this hill with two chairs toppling over me as i narrated the entire event in real time. with such phrases as, "the chairs are falling on me." "i am falling down a hill." "i am done falling now."

2. one time i saw harry potter and the deathly hallows part 1 at midnight with my friends in union square. the 6 train has a moving platform, but for whatever reason the platform didn't move towards the train and so when the doors opened there was a gap. one that i definitely could bridge. no big deal. for whatever reason no one else is riding the downtown 6 at this time or is even on the platform. you'd think there would have been more people heading home after an exciting midnight harry potter viewing. anyway. the doors open, an MTA employee gets off, picks me up, and puts me on the train. he probably prevented some sort of horrible injury/subway death.

3. recently it rained and i slid down the sidewalk while running to the bar. i fell on my knees right in front of this guy who tried to offer a hand to help me up. then i fell again. then i got up and scurried inside the bar and none of my friends saw me because they walked like normal people.

the lord giveth and the lord taketh away

this happened to me earlier today:

my coworker and i went to this cafe near our work to get coffee and chill because sometimes you just need a second. so we get our drinks and sit outside. oh also it would be good to note that i am sleeping with a guy who works there. recently we were doing bad things (good things) on my balcony at like midnight and my landlord popped out of fucking nowhere. ehem. but i digress. i did not see him there because he usually stays in the back and makes the food. suddenly he comes outside and puts a taco in front of me and says hi. and i'm like, "are you bringing me this taco?" and he was like, "yeah." and i was like, "uh what?" and he was like, "you ordered this taco right?" and i was like, "no." and then he took it away and went back inside.

nicknames

so sophomore year of college, my bff and i lived together and it was really fun. many mornings were spent bribing each other to pick up pommes frites and many episodes of law and order svu were watched. our room was just a huge giant square with its own bathroom. 

anyway, one night, amber, daisy, and i drank a lot of vodka. i got sleepy and crawled into bed, and amber and daisy went to get some pizza down the street. i fell asleep and when i woke up i heard the shower. i assumed amber was just taking a drunk shower whatever. then i heard like all the shampoo bottles and everything fall. and i was like, aw, damn. and then i heard the shower curtain and rod tear down and make some really loud sounds so i bolted out of bed, thinking amber is most definitely dead. i swing the bathroom door open and her and some dude are just doin' it in the tub. they look up at me with deer-in-headlights eyeballs and i say, "i'll come back later." daisy is in amber's bed cracking up.

after that event was over, the guy left, and since my bed was right next to the door i gave him a little wave and he said, "it was nice meeting you."

amber stole his cigarettes out of his jeans pocket and put them in our medicine cabinet. a+ move on her part. and he left her a slice of pizza next to her bed.

and in the morning there was a poop smear on my towel (totally from that guy). 

foot in mouth syndrome, etc.

1. yesterday at the OBGYN i turned to my friend and said, "babies. who even wants them?" the waiting room was full of pregnant people.
2. one time in high school this attractive-ish jock-person was hanging some paper DNA strands on the ceiling in science class. the entire class had combined their strands and convinced our teacher to let us make it into a ~garland~ and hang it on the ceiling. so this jock-bro is doing that, and he is standing on my science table, which is at the end of the room, and he says, "this DNA strand is LONG!" to which i reply, instantly, "yeah like my dick!"
3. another time i walked out of an abercrombie with my friend and the security alarm went off. the door person had to search my bag and the only thing i said to them was, "i stole everything!"
4. when i got back to the US from guatemala, the people who ask you stuff aggressively to try and make sure you aren't smuggling drugs or whatever, really caught me off guard. the guy was barraging me with questions like "where did you come from?" and "what did you do there?" and i just said, "a wedding. i think. i don't know!" and ran away. this is probably why i got taken to the back for a special search. 

the best of okcupid

here are some real life messages i have received from men on okcupid. this is the highlights reel. i was going to write some commentary but i'll let these messages speak for themselves:

hey! you look like the girl from elf, have you ever heard that before? well i think you are very beautiful and i'd like to get to know you. message me back if you're interested and we can try to do just that. cheers.

well, we seem to be interested in the same things, at least mostly, but you have your age limitations set to 22. curse my being born in '91. make an exception?

Hey can you guess what my shirt says on it in my main photo? It's a band that apparently we're both into. I've seen them play live 2x and they are my favorite band in tha whole world ever! Anyways, have you heard of a band called "My Bloody Valentine"? They were a huge influence on my favorite band AND they're coming to Austin next month...super excited!

casual sex?

Good Afternoon! 

I like your glasses, and we share some similarities as far as the questions on here go. And most of the ones that we differ on are only in magnitude, e.g. I am not Atheist, but Agnostic. We have some dissimilarities in music (I like a few Talking Heads songs, though), but differences like that are trivial and tolorable. I own 3 cats and 2 greyhounds. I volunteer at a nearby shelter on saturdays and alternate fridays to take care of the cats. And I love books. I spend more on books than video games and movies. Not very into WoW, but I do Guild Wars, so MMOs are cool with me. I'm a bit off color compared to most guys, but I'm loyal and caring (also rare for guys in the current generation). If I strike you as interesting, don't hesitate to reply to me. p.s. I wear make-up, but not very often. If that bothers you, tell me why. I'm always willing to explain myself.

hey.

cliche time!

-so i bet you get this all the time but my beard really likes you, thinks you're interesting, and would like to get to know you.

-i never do this. but my beard is a frighteningly powerful dominance in my abstract thought process, similar to a tape worm, only a less symbiotic relationship is had between myself and my beard, and i just want to say that you are really pretty!

cliches aside, and i apologize, but whatever, that was fun to write and i'm bored, but ait, WHOA, here comes yet another apology, this time for the run on sentence(s).

look, my beard is just a part of my face, and it doesn't actually control any facet of my being, but it has DEMANDED i seek communications with you....

you're really quite powerful aren't you?

how do you feel about being $poiled by an older man?

(i think the beard one is probably my favorite.)

something freudian

i took a "web design" class in high school. really it was fucking around with the like 2nd edition of dreamweaver (cs2?) and i don't even know. this was 2008 but all my websites looked like they were from 1997. just the way i like 'em. anyway. i had missed school the day we started a new project, and when i got to class the following day my teacher was hurrying out because she was pregnant and always barfing. she told me we were working on sites using this specific template about a famous person of our choosing. i was like, "cool." sat down, and got to work. mostly because this class was full of the strangest people i went to high school with, like you know those people you have literally never seen before even though the school isn't that big? like extras in a sitcom about high school. 

i decide to do rasputin because, whatever, there's probably some fun googling to be done. plus i was really into rasputin when we studied him in that modern world history class i had. so i spend the 4 days of my teacher's absence making this really great looking website about rasputin full of fun facts and information. the substitute we have is literally silent this entire time and everyone else is just kind of dicking around as usual.

the teacher comes back and announces to us that we're going to start preseting our people we admire websites.

cool.

so i get up in front of all these weirdos and start talking about my rasputin website. among the michael jordans and idk who else. who even is someone anyone admires? anyway i basically had to pull something out of my ass about why i "admired" rasputin so what i ended up saying was something along the lines of, i admired his will to live. because he got poisoned and shot and rolled up in a rug or something and thrown in a freezing cold lake of russia and lived for a really long time.

no one thought this was funny.