foot in mouth syndrome, etc.

1. yesterday at the OBGYN i turned to my friend and said, "babies. who even wants them?" the waiting room was full of pregnant people.
2. one time in high school this attractive-ish jock-person was hanging some paper DNA strands on the ceiling in science class. the entire class had combined their strands and convinced our teacher to let us make it into a ~garland~ and hang it on the ceiling. so this jock-bro is doing that, and he is standing on my science table, which is at the end of the room, and he says, "this DNA strand is LONG!" to which i reply, instantly, "yeah like my dick!"
3. another time i walked out of an abercrombie with my friend and the security alarm went off. the door person had to search my bag and the only thing i said to them was, "i stole everything!"
4. when i got back to the US from guatemala, the people who ask you stuff aggressively to try and make sure you aren't smuggling drugs or whatever, really caught me off guard. the guy was barraging me with questions like "where did you come from?" and "what did you do there?" and i just said, "a wedding. i think. i don't know!" and ran away. this is probably why i got taken to the back for a special search.