no one take me out to eat

i have this curse where like, people in the food industry are really mean to me. like, laughably so. i also have this curse where if you eat out with me something will go wrong. here are some examples:

1. the time vlad and i ordered burgers from this really good burger place. mine was perfect. his was entirely raw.
2. the time i went out to eat thai food with my friend kristi and she ordered massaman curry and i ordered green curry. the waitress came out with two bowls of massaman and i politely said that i had ordered the green curry. she then started yelling at me that i definitely ordered the massaman. i kept apologizing over and over while insisting i ordered the green curry. she finally took it back.
3. the time i walked into a sandwich shop the guy looked at me and instantly yelled, "ORDER FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SAY SOMETHING" i ordered a vegan sandwich. i got back to work and opened it up only to realize it was chicken.
4. when i was eight years old a waiter spilled an entire tray of alcoholic beverages all over me. i was sitting in the booth.
5. one time i ate papa johns and did not stop having diarrhea for 4 days. 
6. the time vlad and i ordered thai iced teas with our delivery and got thai iced coffees that were like 50% sandy gritty something? and awful.
7. the time vlad and i went out for pasta and as he went to pour some crushed red pepper on his pasta, the lid came off dumping the entire contents of the shaker onto his pasta.
8. pretty much every time i ask for people not to toast my sandwich, they toast it.
9. once i ordered a subway sandwich with just veggies and all i got was bread.
10. once i got a hamburger that was wrapped in foil from a buffet but when i opened it up it was a hot dog cut in half between a hamburger bun. it was a food ticket thing and i couldn't bring it back.
11. another time i got food from a buffet and instantly dropped all of it and waited 45 minutes in line to get more.
12. one time the bus driver wouldn't let me on the bus with my drink and then i sat for about an hour waiting for the next bus. which was late.