since my coworker is currently reveling in the light of her qt ass boyfriend sending her flowers at work for their 1 year anniversary, i will bitterly post about some times in my life when men were there but not at the right place or the right time. or something. basically people who i am fairly certain COULD HAVE been my soul mate if only i had acted differently or been less drunk or something.
1. so like circa some years ago, my cousins and i worked on this farm in oregon. near eugene. go ducks. anyway, we lived in a lil' tent and the woman who owned the farm had some yurts people rented and also some people living in rooms of her house and basically besides the creepy guy in the one yurt, everyone ruled and we all had a grand old time scaring off bears and raccoons and emptying out compostable toilets and using the outdoor shower that one time only to be swarmed by [two] wasps. anyway one day this neighbor whose name is, i shit you not, rain, comes over and he's talking about his banjo i think and says he's having this 4 day party at his house. with a stage. and port-o-potties. anyway we attend that one day and no one else from the house can go but this guy rowan who lives in a yurt with his girlfriend shelly. he is like basically "my type" say both my cousins (read: tall, skinny, beard, showers less-than-averagely) and at one point he and i are chatting about like, i think electricity, raising pigs, and whatever, the environment. we walk back to the house. perfect soul mate right there, seriously. anyway shelly broke up with him the evening before our last day on the farm, he moved out his stuff and i never saw him again. i wanted to like, you know, hold his slender body in my arms in the tiny tent and stroke his beard and be his rebound.
2. last summer my friend april and i went on this fun bus trip. we stayed at a hostel in washington dc because can anyone afford that godforsaken city? the answer is no. anyway, the hostel did all these fun things like take us on a bus to georgetown and let us walk around the school and they showed us some famous people's houses. then we went to a bar. for a while, april and i didn't find anyone to talk to. then we started talking to this austrialian guy who was also a camp counselor (like we had just been). he was pretty cute if i do say so myself. anyway we also started talking to these german guys. the german ones loved april and they talked about being vegan for a real long time. me and this australian fellow just talked about video games and i think hating "the man" and stuff. he even played wow for money in this super fancy guild. he was totally flirty with me all night and we were getting the hardcore flirts on when he revealed he had a girlfriend. so i backed off. at this time the germans were like, super amped about hailing a cab. they really wanted to do it. so they hailed the cab (i hailed the cab) and paid for it (i tipped). which was nice. the next day i saw the australian guy in the stairwell and he was super hung over and threw me a peace sign. then i never saw him again. i did try to find him on facebook by searching his guild and stuff but nothing came of that. also the germans never friend requested me like they said they would. rude.
3. recently i went to this reading at a bookstore. i was kind of too drunk for the whole affair. but only a little. also if there is one thing i hate a lot it is q&a sessions. everyone asks really dumb embarrassing questions and i just want them all to be quiet. usually i will just leave but this book reading had a book signing and since i bought the book from the store i got a ticket to be in line to get my book signed and i was in the first group so what the hell. anyway, this guy sitting next to me was totally humored by my inability to contain my discomfort at the q&a. while we waited in line he said, "i liked the part where you covered your face and whispered 'make it stop.'" then he approached me outside the store and said "see you around." but like, neither of us asked for each others numbers or anything. so how the hell are we going to see anyone around! ever! maybe one day we'll be perusing the shelves of the bookstore together, see each other, and he will embrace me while telling me he's come to the bookstore every day since we met, looking for me in the aisles pining away, in love, or whatever. this night went particularly terribly because i gave my number to a guy on the bus accidentally (as in, he cornered me and i rapidly stated my phone number and told him he could get back on the bus so he wouldn't follow me home) and then that guy called me like 5x a day for a while until i figured out how to block his number. UGH. oh also i put up a "missed connection" on craigslist for the book store man and the only response i got was "how do you feel about a sugar daddy instead?"
loves labour's lost, i tell ya.
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